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MY 30-SECOND ELEVATOR PITCH
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I'm a transplanted proofreader and comedy writer, but what I really want to do is nothing. I'm obsessively into comedy, language, '80s new wave and synthpop, salsa/mambo/Afro-Cuban dance, thrift shopping, Scrabble, finding new interests to obsess over, getting rid of things and committing mild to moderate acts of overdressing.

If you're into some of the same things, we should hang out. If you're not into my stuff, try to hook me on your stuff. (What's that thing that you're just a little too into?)

You need a laugh, and I'm messed up in all the right ways. Actually, everyone else is off, but I'm the only one who knows it. (You like know-it-alls, don't you? Actually, I'll answer for you. Yes, you do like know-it-alls. Trust me.)

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SOME OF MY AREAS OF GREATNESS
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According to an acquaintance, one of my gifts is being "super-comfy in uncomfy situations." That was her evaluation of my tendency to ride shotgun in a cab and talk to the driver.

According to my best friend, I have a knack for making others feel better: "You're really paternal. When we talk, you always say just the right thing to patch up my little boo-boos."

My other best friend agrees: "You're so good at talking me down off a ledge."

I'll post reviews from additional best friends as they are published. For now, assume that I'm really good at everything unless I indicate otherwise.

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WHAT OTHERS TEND TO NOTICE ABOUT ME
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Here's what people seem to notice about me, based on their questions:

1) "Well, where are your parents from, then?" -- I apparently have a look and accent that say I'm from a place where the main export is soccer or baseball players, fruity drinks or kidnappings.

2) Some variation of "Are you an actor?" (such as "Aren't you one of those movie guys?") -- I don't resemble any well-known actors, so maybe I just look like a popular waiter.

3) (after seeing inside my car) "Have you been kicked out of your house? What happened? Did you forget an anniversary or something?" -- This is what people probably want to ask when they see the mini-junkyard on my back seat.

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FAVORITE TV
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"Arrested Development" is the best thing humanity will ever create.

Second Place: Strangers With Candy, Sons and Daughters (the one ABC aborted way too soon), Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist, The Minor Accomplishments of Jackie Woodman, How I Met Your Mother, Chef!, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Mr. Show, 30 Rock, Human Giant, The Office, Classic Arts Showcase, Futurama, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Big Brother, Flight of the Conchords (the non-song parts, since I'm not into musical comedy), The Drew Carey Show, Seinfeld

Third Place: World peace. An end to hunger. A cure for cancer.

Honorable Mention: Commercials for Crazy Gideon's and the ShamWow

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FAVORITE MUSIC
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'80s new wave and synthpop, '70s mambo and salsa, opera (really, just basses and bass-baritones), italo disco, deep house, electronica, electroclash, electropop

(Mostly, any combination of "electro," "synth," "pop," "dance" or "-onica" works for me.)

My current favorites are ABC, Black Devil Disco Club, Sally Shapiro, Laserdance, Röyksopp, Secession, Angel Canales, Ivy, New Order, The Smiths, Justo Betancourt, Ladytron, Dzihan & Kamien, Roberto Roena, Thievery Corporation, Marvin Santiago, Postal Service, The Pet Shop Boys and Tosca (both the Austrian duo and the Italian opera)

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FAVORITE MOVIES
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I've been doing a lot of second viewing lately.

"Buffalo '66" -- It made me so much of a Vincent Gallo fan that I should be on some watch list.

"Loving Jezebel" -- Critics, be d*mned! I usually hate anything near the romantic-comedy orbit, and this one is flawed, but I'm not made of stone. I think I actually was near tears at the end, somehow. Before you judge me, note that I didn't break.

"Melvin Goes to Dinner" -- I fell in love with it and didn't realize until the 80-minute mark that I had seen it about four years earlier. I say that's a definite mark of awesomeness.

Also high on my "favorites" list: Chungking Express (stunned me), Fallen Angels (started stunning me right where Chungking Express left off), Shaun of the Dead, Run Lola Run, Waydowntown, The Big Lebowski, Swingers, Kissing Jessica Stein and plenty o' Woody Allen

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FAVORITE FOOD
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I'm not really a foodie. I probably would quit eating altogether if starvation didn't hurt.

I'm vegan and flirting with raw food, and I theoretically dig Thai, Indian and West African food. But I usually just eat to make my stomach shut up so I can get back to what I was doing. I've been told that I eat like a prisoner.

But I'm not anti-food or anything. I never had an entrée molest me when I was a kid, and I never came home to find a sandwich kicking in my front door.

If that didn't say it for me, I like a good exaggeration.

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HOW TO WIN ME OVER
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I'm not the checklist-carrying type, but nothing wins me over like being at least quasi-funny and not taking yourself or life too seriously.

I think I could fall stalkerishly in love with a "yes and" or "what if" attitude, assuming it were attached to a woman. Attitudes suck on their own.

How's your telepathy?

You're not a zombie, are you? If you are undead, it's not a deal breaker, but you should know that you'd be my first. I'm just putting it out there, in case that's a problem for you.

I guess that kind of was a checklist. I'm a fraud.